Boo-Yeah!

We here at Fencing With Archers just wanted to take time out today and remind everyone that it is never to early to start pimpin'. G's to the Bizack, now ladies here we gizo.

WOW!

Um, yeah.

An Italian couple stole 50,000 euros from a woman in the Sicilian city of Palermo after convincing her they were vampires who would impregnate her with the son of the Anti-Christ if she did not pay them.

The man, a cabaret singer, and his girlfriend took the money from their victim over four years by selling her pills at 3,000 euros each that they said would abort the Anti-Christ's son.

Police uncovered the fraud after the 47-year-old woman's family became concerned when they discovered she had spent all her savings, local news agencies AGI and ANSA reported.

Will everyone please send us money otherwise we will come over to your house and impregnate you with the Anti, blah, blah, blah. You just read it, so you can see where we are going with this.

Hi, I'm a Loser.

Today's posting comes with a challenge: see if you can guess what religion the gentleman in the following piece is before you read it in the article.

Friends say Lance Archibald is a tall, handsome former college basketball player and graduate of Harvard business school.

He’s also still single at 31, and so they’re hoping to speed things up with a billboard and Web site.

“I’m Lance, Let’s go out!” reads the billboard on an interstate near Lindon, about 40 miles south of Salt Lake City.

“It kind of came out of discussions we had, that Lance is such a good guy but not married,” said Morgan Lynch, CEO of LogoWorks, where Archibald is the director of marketing. “Someone threw out the idea of getting a billboard.”

So why the concern over Archibald’s marital status? As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, whose members typically marry in their early 20s, the 31-year-Archibald is approaching the male-equivalent of an “old maid.”

Friends say they’re not sure what the Brigham Young University graduate and former Mormon missionary is looking for but tease “it’s taking a little longer than usual for a guy with these credentials.”

“Team DateLance,” the cadre of friends and co-workers behind the scheme, are screening date applications. The site asks interested women to describe themselves, including age, occupation and personality, and to describe their ideal date with Archibald.

So far, the Web site has received more than 1,500 hits, with several women vying for a date.

“We’re still taking submissions,” Bates said. “As much as we thought it’d be funny, we’re serious about this.”

Archibald is taking the attention in stride, although he says he’s spent a good amount of time explaining to others what his friends have done. And he says he’s not bothered by singlehood.

“I’m not overly concerned about (marriage). I’m pretty happy right now,” Archibald said. “I’d like to get married, but it’s not a concern.”

To those of you who properly guessed Mormon, kudos to you. We here at Fencing With Archers think that it's ridiculous to be freaked out about not being married by 31. We are going to wait until we are 32 before we make complete asses out of ourselves, via bilboards.

Beat It With a Braut!

May we be the first to say, don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Michael Jackson wants to move to Berlin because he has fallen in love with the city, his father Joe told Germany's Bild newspaper Thursday.

The mass-circulation paper and several German dailies said the U.S. pop star, who dangled his baby from the railing of a fourth-floor hotel window on a 2002 visit, was fond of Berlin's zoo, the beauty of nearby Potsdam and supportive European fans.

"Michael Jackson is going to become a Berliner!" Bild wrote on top of its front page. "His father is already looking for a house. The King of Pop wants to move to Berlin -- his father tells Bild in an interview."

Joe Jackson told a news conference in Berlin Wednesday he planned to celebrate his 76th birthday in the German capital on Friday with several of his children and 1,000 fans. He said he hoped Michael would come but was uncertain if he would attend.

Last month a court in Santa Maria, California, acquitted the 46-year-old pop star of child sex abuse charges that had threatened to destroy his career. Jackson then went to the Gulf Arab country of Bahrain on a private visit to relax.

Another German newspaper, Die Welt, quoted an adviser named Shawn Andrews as saying Jackson definitely wanted to move to Europe because he felt he was being poorly treated at home and that he was also suffering from the after-effects of his trial.

"Michael wants to move to Europe," Andrews said. "He is positive about that. He feels at home in Berlin.

"No one in Germany ever let him down during the trial," he said. "Michael himself can't explain why he's fallen so deeply in love with Berlin."

So not only do Germans love David Hasslehoff, but they apparently love Michael Jackson. We can see why, especially since we Americans make him stand trial for sexual misconduct with a minor, to which our system got him acquitted. If it were not for "beyond a reasonable doubt", would Michael not be in prison right now? Oh well.

Porno Sit-Ups

Sometimes there are stories that even make us question WHAT THE F! Please see below:

Indian police forced around 200 people caught watching pornography to do sit-ups in public to shame them and keep them away from theaters that illegally screen smutty movies.

The Hindustan Times reported Monday that police stopped the screening of a pornographic movie at a cinema in Balasore district in the eastern state of Orissa and made audience members -- some as young as 17 -- do 10 sit-ups each at a public square, watched by onlookers.

The police made the all-male group vow not to watch pornography again. To make matters worse for the embarrassed teenagers who were caught, police called their parents to watch them doing sit-ups.

Police officer Sanjeev Panda said authorities carried out the public shaming after attempts to get theaters in district not to show pornography had failed.

"So we decided to crack down on the audience," Panda was quoted in the newspaper, which also reported that police in Orissa planned to integrate such public punishments into their general campaign against pornography.

Exhibiting pornography is illegal in India, but it is screened in many cinemas. The latest craze is pornographic Multi-Media Messaging (MMS) clips, some of which allegedly show Bollywood actresses engaged in sexual acts.

Forcing kids to do sit-ups for watching porn? We are speechless, but if that's a way to make one last longer in the bedroom, then we are intrigued.

The Audition Let the the Dogs out!

We here at Fencing With Archers sometimes find ourselves being asked to audition for other artistic endavors. We are so awesome at music, and so electric that we sometimes get asked to audition for films. Here is one such request (this is real):

From: xxxxxxx@aol.com
Date: July 5, 2005 11:34:52 AM PDT
To: Fencing With Archers
Subject: Re: Hot Blonde Actress with blue or green eyes


You look really good that is exactly what I need for the lead role.

How is your voice?

I like good and loud voice when you do the monolog.

I am doing the finishing touches for the script now.

This is what I want you to prepare for the audition:

Prepare 2 monologs the first one is: 45 –60 second dog story, any story will do as long as is very motional & moving story that can actually move the audience and shake them up. The second mono

Is about: You are not a loser and why you are not a loser, this one is also 45-60 seconds, this
Mono also has to be very tense right to the point and must be believable.

Your acting must be very natural and believable, This 60 seconds can actually
Change your life destiny and take you to the top, your body and face expressions
Are very crucial when you are telling the story, you must be looking straight at the camera
And going your audition, you must memorize all your line.

If you do it well I will get you the lead role. Any dog story will do just make the audience feel what you feel.

It can be a story of a dog when you were a child. Good, happy, sad funny story is all fine
I personally think that you should make the audience cry with tears.

Feel free to call anytime ask me anything you want.
(You will have to memorize your monolog, so practice everyday okay)

I will definitely call you for audition mid July for sure.

Call me if you don't hear me by July 28 because sometimes

Emails can be lost.

Yes the story must be a bout a dog

The way you present it is your choice

Put all you talent in there, the way you

Say it and act and sing even, you have

To give your best that is how you will get

Ahead in life.
(None Sag)
P.S, Do the monolog like I tell you and I promise to make an international star.

/Executive Producer.

I will do my best to get you the role.
If wishes were horses beggars would ride.
If you want to succeed don’t be shy & never give up
Because it could be your luckiest day.
Go for the gusto.
Fix yourself up at the audition okay it is important
That you put your best clothes on and put on some
Make up, after all millions of people maybe watching you,
I really care about the actor and actresses that look after themselves.
When you look good you feel good.

From: Fencing With Archers
Date: July 5, 2005 11:54:52 AM PDT
To: xxxxxxx@aol.com

Dear sir,

As much as we love dogs and monologs about dogs, we must respectfully decline your request. First, your English is really bad. Not that we are the most eloquent people, but our heads started to hurt halfway through your e-mail. It's called Hooked on Phonics. Secondly, we are not a hot blonde woman. We have known many blonde women, because, we are a kick ass rock band, but we aren't actually one ourselves. I know it's easy to get that confused, but please don't.

Best of Luck on your search, and have fun doing it is whatever you do.

Sincerely,

Fencing With Archers.

Sorry, we have been behind on some of our posts, but we promise to do a better job this week. As you can see, we have been a bit out of sorts lately. We call this picture "Wednesday".

Dead People Know How to Party!

Sorry for the delayed time between posts, but we have been very busy with various projects, and general ass kickery. We thought that with the 4th of July coming on Monday, that a story about BBQ's needed to be told. So where's the best place to find messed up stories??? ANTWERP!

The mourning parents of a traffic accident victim who visited their son's grave near Antwerp Friday evening were shocked to find the local gravediggers enjoying their annual barbecue at the graveyard.

Workers at the cemetery in Merksem had music playing and their children were running around near the graves, De Morgen newspaper said Wednesday.

The parents called the police. Antwerp city hall said it had never granted permission for such a party.

Gravedigger Willy Wouters told Fencing With Archers the barbecue -- held yearly -- had never caused trouble before, as the cemetery used to close at five o'clock in the evening. Under new rules, it is open from sunrise until sunset.

"We understand we've hurt people. We did not realize that our barbecue shocked some people. It was the last time, we won't do it again," Wouters said.

We don't see what the problem here is. I mean, plenty of people have office parties at the place where they work. Wait, what's that? That's what a cemetary is? Oh that is sick.