Monkey Business

Um.. WOW!

Monkey business proved to be lucrative Monday when paintings by Congo the chimpanzee sold at auction for more than $25,000.

The three abstract, tempera paintings were auctioned at Bonhams in London alongside works by impressionist master Renoir and pop art provocateur Andy Warhol.

But while Warhol’s and Renoir’s work didn’t sell, bidders lavished attention on Congo’s paintings.

An American bidder named Howard Hong, who described himself as an “enthusiast of modern and contemporary painting,” purchased the lot of paintings for $26,352, including a buyer’s premium.

The sale price surpassed predictions that priced the paintings between $1,000-$1,500.

“We had no idea what these things were worth,” said Howard Rutkowski, director of modern and contemporary art at Bonhams. “We just put them in for our own amusement.”

Congo, born in 1954, produced about 400 drawings and paintings between ages 2 and 4. He died in 1964 of tuberculosis.

His artwork provoked reactions ranging from scorn to skepticism among critics of the time, but Pablo Picasso is reported to have hung a Congo painting on his studio wall after receiving it as a gift.

“There’s no precedent for things like this having been sold before,” Rutkowski said.

We are blown away, but have been inspired, so we are having a gorilla design our first album cover. He's been workingon it for a few hours, and so far, he's just beaten up his trainer with some paint. You go Bonzo!

It's Never to Late...

We were inrigued by the idea that people can actually do things after the age of 75, but apparently there are old people who can actually do more than walk from their couch to dinner. Enjoy.

A 95-year-old Japanese man shattered the 100 meters world record in the 95-99 age group at a seniors athletics meeting Sunday, organizers said.

Kozo Haraguchi splashed through the rain to clock 22.04 seconds in Miyazaki, southern Japan, slicing almost two seconds off the previous world record of 24.01.

After being informed of his achievement, Haraguchi beamed: "Oh dear, really? Thank you very much."

Five years ago, Haraguchi set a world record for the 90-94 age bracket with a time of 18.08.

After rewriting the record books again, Haraguchi modestly said he had just tried to concentrate on not falling over.

"Everyone was cheering me on so I kept thinking I mustn't fall over," he told reporters. "From now on, I will keep going as hard as my strength lets me."

Haraguchi took up athletics at 65 to keep fit and said the secret of his success was a one-hour walk every morning around his neighborhood.

Here's where we are confused. First, how many 95-99 year-old are there who actually compete in this event? Two maybe? Secondly, he took up athletics at age 65? What was he doing before then? We have officially decided that we are going to put off any exercise until we turn 65. Except for kicking ass. We could never stop that.

Party Like it's 199-I Just Got Acquitted of Molestation!

You know when one of our minions sent us the picture that we posted yesterday, we wondered where one could acquire a shirt like that? Maybe at this event:

Michael Jackson’s family plans to throw a party at a casino this weekend to thank the singer’s most loyal fans for their allegiance during his 14-week trial, a casino spokeswoman said. It was not immediately known if the singer — who has not appeared in public since being acquitted Monday of child molestation charges — would be at the party.

“We don’t know who will perform. We’re just told the Jackson family is putting together an event for fans they have selected,” Frances Snyder, a spokeswoman for Chumash Casino, told the Los Angeles Times in Friday’s editions.

The family expected to choose a group of people Friday to receive invitations for a bash Saturday night at the casino in Santa Ynez, the newspaper reported.

Members of Jackson’s family, including his father, Joe, have been staying at the casino hotel in recent weeks. The casino is near Jackson’s Neverland ranch.

Maybe they will be putting shirts in people's grab bags as they leave. It's our understanding that you get a T-shirt, a copy of Jermaine's album, and piece of the Elephant Man's bones.

Anyways, come to Fries on the Side this Sunday for the world premiere of Fencing With Archers as we are playing at the show. Click on the link to the right for details.

The big news of the week is the Michael Jackson verdict. Whether you though he was guilty or not, this picture says it all. Cheers. 

Who Let the Leopards Out?

Fencing With Archers has seen a lot in this world, and a lot of the stuff we report on our site has to do with practices of stupid people. What you are about to read could be one of the stupidest human beings to ever exist. Enjoy.

A man charged with endangering his four young children by allowing two 50-pound leopard cubs to roam freely around his suburban New York home pleaded not guilty on Friday, authorities said.

Anthony Barone, who is also charged with the beating and unlawful imprisonment of his wife, kept the two male cubs in the basement of his feces-infested Suffolk County home, an animal rescue team chief said.

Police said they found the leopards in Barone's home after responding to a complaint by his wife, Anastasia, on May 29. that he punched and kicked her in the face and chained her to a downstairs wall nine days earlier.

The leopards were found in a basement room behind an unlocked, sliding wood door, animal rescue officials said. Barone's wife told police he sometimes let the leopards roam freely around the house, said Robert Clifford, a spokesman for the Suffolk County district attorney's office.

Barone, a 34-year-old tattoo parlor owner, was tracked down by police dogs in a nearby wooded area after his wife called police, Clifford said.

Barone's four children, aged 2 to 8, were placed in foster care.

"If you pull on its tail or fall on it accidentally, a wild animal instinctively can turn on you and kill you," said Roy Gross, chief of the Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, whose officers helped removed the leopards.

Authorities also discovered animal carcasses littered through the house as well as two live Mastiffs. An emaciated Doberman was found in a crate, along with a skinned Rottweiler and a dead lynx found stuffed in an unplugged refrigerator.

Last July, a New York City man pleaded guilty to reckless endangerment for keeping a 400-pound (180-kg) Siberian-Bengal tiger in his seven-room apartment.

Barone could face more than 28 years in prison if convicted on all charges, including the four counts of endangering the welfare of a child, possession of a wild animal and a weapons charge.
The leopard cubs were shipped to a wildlife habitat in the Midwest, Gross said.

You know, it's people like Mr. Barone who really shouldn't be allowed to pro-create. It's amazing that there are 40-Year old Virgins, but people like Mr. Barone can get married, and bring children into the world. Oh yeah, by the way, where the hell did a man in Long Island get a freakin' leopard?

Room for Rent

Fencing With Archers is currently looking for a roommate, and we have posted various ads on various rental sites. Well, needless to say, we have gotten a lot of responses, but there was one that really jumped out at us, and we wanted your opinion. We are really high on this person, but we just wanted to run by our minions before we say yes.

--- mia Williams wrote:
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 10:54:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: mia Williams
Subject: am INTRESTED
To: Fencing With Archers

Hello Owner,
My Name is MIA WILLIAMS, am from (CA) and have been living there my whole life,my mum and dad are both from there,i live in San Jose City in my childhood life and later moved to Morgan Hill.. A m a model by occupation and i mostly model cloths another things like
shoes and more,i have been modeling ever since i was 16 years but that was localy but now i model all over the state and sometimes move out of the country to model too.

i am curectly in west africa ,nigeria to be precise ,and am there for my contract,modeling for issey mistake,is just a month contract,but i wont love to go back to my sister house when geting back to the state cus she is about preparing to get married to her husband ,so cus of this i will like to have my own room.

i registered for roommate and i saw you advertising your room, that there is vacant there,i will love to know i f the room can be given to me cus i will love to come there directly to stay when
coming back to the state.

About the payment that is not aproblem I will order my last boss who i modeled for when i was in the state send you a cashier's check of last payment which he is owing me so that
the room can be kept for me.

I will be glad if you can also pls send me some of the pix of the room to my email box mia_williams10@yahoo.com also ,you can also send me email there. I will be so glad to rent you room and ,am sure you will be so glad to have someone like me cus i am a very kool and easy going person,am looking forward for your reply.

THANKS

YOURS SINCERELY

MIA.


Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 12:27:09 -0700 (PDT)
From: Fencing With Archers
Subject: URGENTLY
To: mia Williams mia_williams10@yahoo.com

Dear Mia:

Thank you for responding to our ad. Let us first say, HOLY SHIT, A FUCKING MODEL! We would love to see anything that you have done, especially since we are such massive fans of issey mistake. If you move in, you will have to put on a fashion show for us, and show us all our your looks.

In regards to the room, we can't just give it to you. You have to rent the room for a specific amount of money, and we would prefer that it come from you and not from your last employer, because for all we know you're last job was in porn, and we don't work with porn directors, since we left the biz.

Also, if we do offer you the room, you really need to work on your grammar because your e-mail almost reads psychotic. I mean, seriously, "Kool"? What the hell is that? Cool is spelled with a C, not a K. Oh yeah, and how can you currently be in Nigeria, when you start off your e-mail saying that you have been in San Jose your whole life? I think if you clear up these questions, we could think about letting you come in.

So more model looks, and less psychotic writing, and we should be a go.

Sincerely,

Fencing With Archers

p.s. You send us your pic, and we'll send you ours.

Let's Get Our Freak On, World Cup Style!

Fencing With Archers are big sports fans, and we are looking forward to the World Cup next year in Germany, as there is a chance we could be going, maybe even to play some shows. In our past World Cup experiences, we were really dissapointed in the level of privacy needed for prostitutes. However, all of that has changed.

A German city is rushing to install a series of drive-in wooden "sex garages" in time for next year's Soccer World Cup and an expected boom in the local sex trade, a city official said Wednesday.

Dortmund, one of 12 cities to host World Cup matches, is anxious to keep prostitutes and their clients off the streets by providing them with discreet places to do business.

Experts estimate as many as 40,000 prostitutes may travel to Germany to offer their services to fans during the tournament.

"The World Cup has put us under added time pressure, as we don't want a situation where prostitutes and their clients disturb residential areas," the official said.

Prostitution is legal in Germany in designated areas.

"In Dortmund we have an official red light district on the outskirts, but there is a problem. There is not enough space for everyone to park."

Dortmund plans to arrange the Dutch-designed huts, which have been introduced in the city of Cologne, another World Cup venue, in an area with condom machines and snack bar.

"Men have to get used to them of course, but a high percentage accept them because they can protect their anonymity," the official said.

"That said there will always be those who want to go behind a bush, under a bridge or into the woods."

Ah yes, nothing is more romantic then sleeping with a German whore in a designated sex garage. It will be tough for us to get used to though, since we have become so comfortable with behind the bush sex, if you know what we mean? You don't know what we mean? Good, because neither do we, as we never sleep with prostitutes. That's sick. Pervert.

Who Said the Elderly Can't Contribute to Society?

We here at Fencing With Archers promote equality and understanding of all peoples, this includes ageism. We feel that elderly people can still contribute to our society, and often times, provide services that some people really need. Not us, because we don't need to pay for it, but hey if you live in New Jeresy (yet again the Garden State has come to the forefront), you can often get lonely. Enjoy.

An 80-year-old woman, who uses a walker and an oxygen tank, has been busted for running an escort service from her New Jersey apartment, state police said on Monday.

Vera Tursi, who rarely left her low-income apartment in Lindenwold, took phone calls from men who answered her Internet ad for "August Playmates" listed under "Personal Escort Services" and other headings for at least six months until her arrest in May, according to police.

Tursi, who inherited the business from her late daughter, was charged with promoting prostitution, a felony.

"We doubt very much whether she will see jail time," said New Jersey State Police Capt. Al Della Fave. "She will probably get some type of probation, and as long as she keeps herself clean while she is on probation, she'll stay out of prison."

Evidence in the case will be considered by a grand jury.

Tursi was charged with sending escorts to meet men depending on the clients' preferences and which of her escorts were available, Della Fave said.

Her activities were discovered by police running an investigation called "Operation Risky Business" which cracked down on several escort services, leading to the arrest of 42 people and the seizure of more than $70,000.

Here's the question that we pose: Were the prostitutes 80-year-olds as well? Because that would have been really weird, or fun, depending on your "preferences". Do think that the men who worked on Operation Risky Business, were required to wear Ray-Ban shades, with their collars up, like Tom Cruise did in the movie "Risky Business"? We would have.

We are Speechless!

Sorry, there hasn't been a new post in a few days, but we have been out kicking ass, so suck it. This post doesn't really need some sort of intro, but just know that we, as usual, couldn't make this up if we tried.

A man who says he was severely burned when a portable toilet exploded after he sat down and lit a cigarette is suing a general contractor and a coal company, accusing them of negligence.

John Jenkins, 53, and his wife, Ramona Jenkins, 35, of Brave, Pa., filed the suite Tuesday in county circuit court seeking $10 million in damages from Chisler Inc. and Eastern Associated Coal Corp.

The lawsuit claims Jenkins’ face, neck, arms, torso and legs were severely burned last July after the cigarette ignited methane gas leaking from a pipe underneath the toilet unit.

“When I struck the lighter, the whole thing just detonated — the whole top blew off,” said Jenkins, a methane power plant operator with North West Fuels Development Inc. “I can’t tell you if it blew me out the door or if I jumped out.”

Eastern Associated owns the Blacksville property where the explosion occurred. Jenkins alleges that heavy equipment from Chisler Inc. ran over the pipelines before the explosion, causing the methane gas leak.

A call to the Charleston office of Peabody Energy, the parent company of Eastern Associated Coal, was not returned.

A man who answered the phone at Chisler’s office in Fairview said the company would have no comment.

What we love about this story is the fact that the man was sitting down in a portable toliet (disgusting), then decided to smoke? You can't wait like five minutes before you smoke? Then, he's confused as to whether he was blown out or if he jumped? How do you not know if you jumped?? It's an activity that requires some sort of motivated action. We also love that his face, neck, torso, and legs were burnt. Couldn't you have just said that his whole body was burnt. Oh well. Kick ass.