Monk Smackdown!

Welcome back, all of you who are stuck at your day jobs wishing that three-day weekends were actually seven days. Don't worry, at least, your not a Buddhist monk, because those people are raging fireballs of rage! What? They're not you say? Buddhists are peaceful people. Hm? Not according to this story, and Phil Jackson. See below.

Five Thai Buddhist monks have been defrocked and fined after a brawl with monks from a nearby temple, police and newspapers said Tuesday.

The street fight was the culmination of years of antagonism between monks from the two temples who had often exchanged curses, insults and rude gestures as they collected alms on different sides of a road, the Manager newspaper said.

"When an ordinary person is given a middle-finger sign, he will be mad. So am I," it quoted one of the defrocked monks, Boonlert Boonpan, as saying after the brawl in the northeastern state of Nong Khai Monday.

Boonlert said he usually carried a knuckle-duster in his shoulder bag during the morning collection of alms on which Bhuddist monks depend, it said.

Boonlert and the four other monks, all aged between 15 and 28, were each fined 1,000 baht ($25) by police for public brawling and were defrocked by senior monks, Wut Pomraksa, head of Nong Khai police station, told Fencing With Archers.

But Boonlert was unrepentant.

"If senators can fight in parliament, why can't monks?" he said.

Let's be honest here, if the fine in America for public brawling was $25, you'd probably start a lot more fights right? Yeah, us neither. We are lovers not fighters, but don't think we won't kick your ass, just let us finish our meditations first.

Happy Memorial Day! We hope that you are paying your proper respects to your dead homies. One of our fans sent us this photo, and explained that he was giving massive shoutouts to his boys who have passed, by getting completely trashed on Bourbon Street. What's funny is, according to this fan, he got those beads around his neck by showing two fifty year old women his boobies. We just said boobies. 

We Couldn't Make This Up If We Tried!

Keeping with the theme of finding new ways to make money, we have found an actual job posting that blew our minds. First of all, all of the stories on this site are true, because we wouldn't cheat our hordes of fans, or our whore fans. But we really couldn't make this up. So if you are interested in this position and live in the great state of New Jersey (the Garden State always comes back to haunt us), this could be the perfect job for you. Enjoy!


Sorcerer's Apprentice
This is a FULL TIME Paid Internship
Location:
Wayne NJ
Date Posted:
5/25/2005 2:18:23 PM

Description:
Legendary performer carried to international fame as The World's Foremost Mentalist seeking a full-time apprentice for performance and office related duties. We offer great growth potential for the right stew. This mesmerizing, imaginative, and creative genius is timeless in his audience appeal. His charm, comedic wit, and musicianship creates a perfect tour de force evening brimming with hilarious scenarios richly embroidered with demonstrations of the power of the human mind.

Our ideal apprentice would feel comfortable in an intimate (small) working environment located in Northern New Jersey. As our Sorcerer’s Apprentice, an 11:00am-6:00pm Monday-Friday schedule must blend with 24/7 availability to accommodate our “as needed” schedule for meetings, interviews, performances etc. Current driver license and US Passport a must. Must live within 30 minutes of Wayne, New Jersey. The potion our apprentice must closely resemble would combine the following attributes: Professional and friendly demeanorDedicated and conscientious mannerDetails, deadlines, and organizational Skills

Requirements:

Performance & Travel related:*coordinate travel, lodging, stage set-up and sound check*review artist’s rider with venue*detailed notes on performances *maintain automobiles *can lift up to 50 lbs easily. Office related:*edit promotional materials for DVD/VHS *assist with Press Kits*update website information*local errands

Our Socerer's Apprentice will be hired on a three (3) month trial basis. At the end of your trial time, if we are impressed with your ability to handle the position in the manner we described earlier in this listing, you will be hired as a full-time permanent appprentice and a salary increase will be initiated. Periodic reviews, determined in part by your contribution to our mission, will be available.

If no one minds, we are going to apply for this position. Don't worry, we will fly back to Los Angeles for our shows, but this just seems like too good an opportunity to pass up. Who would have thought that the world of sorcery would entail light office duties? We guess anything is possible in the world of magic.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

We all have to do different jobs to make money, for instance, we make money by kicking ass. However, apparently the children in Isreal have become fed up with civil unrest, and decided to become entreprenuers themselves. Apparently, when kids today get bored of playing such classic games as baseball or tag, they turn to the world's most classic profession. See below.

A 14-year-old Israeli was arrested by police on suspicion of working as a pimp, Israeli newspapers reported Thursday.

"Instead of playing ball with his friends, he discovered there was lot of money to be made in the sex industry," the daily Maariv reported.

According to the newspaper, the adolescent allegedly employed two teenagers, age 17 and 19, to sell favors to Palestinian workers. In the beginning, he split the profits with the girls, but later began pocketing the entire amount.

The teen was apprehended Tuesday and faced a judge in a Jerusalem court, a police spokesman told AFP. "The investigation is continuing," the official said. "We are looking to see if other people may be involved."

The two girls were averaging five customers per day and collecting 50 to 100 shekels (10 to 20 euros).

The juvenile's attorney, Reouven Bar Haim, disputed the charges. "He saved the eldest girl. She had been itinerant for five years, long before he met her," the lawyer said in court.

Isn't that a touching story. He saved her by making her have sex with men for money, and then he kept the money. So he really saved her by forcing her to have sex with strangers for nothing. Why can't more pre-teens be so caring?

We will be making our first appearance at this show, so if you know what is good for you, you will go. It would behoove to just go every Sunday, since the show is different every week. Click on the link to left for more information. Oh yeah, we are not baptist, but if you want to make a sign of your own, go to www.churchsigngenerator.com

The Bear Went Slap!

Happy Tuesday World! "24" ended last night (more on that), and the Pistons took game one from the Heat. What a Monday. We can't say the same for the people of Zurich, who are having some problems with some teddys, and we don't mean real ones, or even the ones that your girlfriend/wife wear for you (or possibly your boyfriend/husband/life-partner wears, whatever floats your boat). We mean the man-size ones that are on display throughout the streets of Zurich. See below.

A giant dominatrix teddy bear wearing a leather mask and brandishing hand-cuffs has been banned from sober Zurich's street display of man-sized model bears, the project's artistic director said Tuesday.

While tourists pose for snaps next to a brightly-painted and benign array of models such as the "schoolteacher bear" and the "skier bear," "Baervers" -- a pun on the German for perverse -- has been deemed too steamy for the financial capital's streets.

"This bear is perverse, dominatrix and hardcore. We had to ban it because of the children," Beat Seeberger-Quin, the project's art director, told Fencing With Archers.

The offending bear, which sports bright red lipstick, a corset and thigh-length leather boots, stands atop a pedestal bearing the words "first class service."

Some 600 teddies, variously decorated by artists, stud the streets of Zurich and its airport in the "Teddy-Summer" project.

The controversial model had been allocated a place near Zurich's Paradeplatz, home to Switzerland's top banks such as Credit Suisse and UBS, before Seeberger-Quin spotted the final design and decided to ban it.

The dominatrix bear's creators now seek a private home for their sadomasochist teddy. At least "Baervers" will not face the same hazards as his publicly-displayed peers, some of which have been vandalized or even kidnapped.

"Two or three of the bears have been splashed with paint, and one bear -- a nice small bear wearing a little dress -- has been stolen," Seeberger-Quin said.

We here at Fencing With Archers don't know what is more ridiculous, the fact that the bear was banned, the fact that the bear was even made at all, or the fact that Zurich actually has a "Teddy-Summer" project?

Why Can't You Just Buy A Bigger Truck?

Welcome back. We trust that your weekend was well. Ours was, but then again, we kick ass. Anyways, what better way to kick off Monday then with a story about penises. Enjoy.

Thailand’s health ministry warned size-obsessed men on Friday to avoid trying to enlarge their penises with liquid injections, saying it could cause deformities.

The warning followed media reports that male teenagers in central Thailand had rushed to have their penises injected with olive oil or other liquids.

“Injecting olive oil or any liquid into penises is extremely risky,” Chatri Banchuin, chief of the Department of Medical Services, said after his office issued the public warning.

“By the time they know what actually happened, it is too late,” he told Reuters. The practice of injecting liquids — everything from paraffin to lubricant gel — has gone on for decades, surgeons say, but their patients are getting younger.

“More and more patients are school age boys, not men in their 30s or 40s like in the past,” said urologist Wachira Kochawkarn of Bangkok’s Ramathibodi Hospital.

Is it just us or are doctor's in Thailand super intelligent? Who would have thought that injecting your penis with olive oil was risky? The question that we would like to pose to the world is , WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO INJECT ANYTHING INTO YOUR PENIS?

God bless.

Star Wars: Episode Whoops

Many of the Fencing With Archers minions, including us, made their way to movie houses and storyplaces to see the the newest installment of the Star Wars sixology. However, some of our fans from the great state of New Jersey (no we don't live there, but we have spent some time there in the past), had a problem understanding what they saw.

“Star Wars: Episode Three — Revenge of the Sith” got lost in translation for some fans at a movie theater in New Jersey.

It seems there was a reel mix up and, at some point in the film, Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi started to speak Japanese.

People at the Loews Cineplex at Monmouth Mall in Eatontown chanted, “Stop the movie, stop the movie” during Wednesday’s midnight premiere.

The lights came on and the manager told the audience that the movie would not continue.

Loews marketing senior vice president John McCauley tells the Asbury Park Press the audience was offered the choice of squeezing into other theaters, getting a pass for another showing or receiving a refund.

It’s not known how the Japanese version was spliced in.

We here at Fencing With Archers are convinced that the Japanese are not to blame for this mix-up, and if blame were to be placed on anyone, it should be placed on YOUR MOM!

SUCK IT!

What's Up? Is this what we look like? Probably not because if we did, we probably wouldn't kick as much ass as we do. But for now, assume this is what we look like. 

Blast From the Past

Hey everybody. As expected, we've got friends from all over the globe, as well as the Earth. Here's an email (and our response) from a good friend in Africa.

From: Mr Kofi Olante kofiolante@eresmas.com
To: Fencing With Archers
Date: May 18 2005 – 7:00 AM
Subject: Emagerncy At Your Hand

Dear Fencing with Archers,

My name is Mr. Kofi Olante. I hail from the Federal Republic of Ghana, 41 years old and married with three children. I am the Director of Silver Global Security & Finance Services Limited, Ghana.

I have been working with SGS&FS Ltd for over sixteen years and within this period, I have watched African Heads of State and Government Officials use our company to move great sums of money to their foreign partners.

Now, the majority of the foreign partners claim these consignments BUT a fair number of them are left lying here unclaimed – the reason usually being that the Head of State or Government Official who deposited the money kinda died and (get this!) their deposits will remain unclaimed because the Certificate of Deposit is only available to the depositors (dead) or myself (!).

This is where you come in, friend.

I’m willing to go halfsies with you with all this money if you help me get it out. Write me back and tell me that you’re interested, and I’ll supply you with all the info, docs, yada yada yada that will facilitate your easy claim of the consignment.

Or, you can forward your Bank information to me if it is not convenient for you to travel, so that I can in turn forward the said sum into your account. This business is risk free as I have taken necessary preventive measures.

Expedite action is needed. My alternative email is:http://uk.f254.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=kofiolante11@yahoo.com or http://uk.f254.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=saverglobalsecuritycompany@teenmail.co.za

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Kofi Olante.Director of Silver Global Security & Finance Services Ltd
Ghana

From: Fencing With Archers
To: kofiolante@eresmas.com, http://uk.f254.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=kofiolante11@yahoo.com, http://uk.f254.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=saverglobalsecuritycompany@teenmail.co.za
Date: May 18 2005 – 10:03 AM
Subject: Emagerncy At Your Hand

Kofi!

What’s going on, buddy? Wow, we haven’t seen you since – dude, since Mary Lou Retton hit that vault landing in ’84! We were over at your parents house and we went crazy, remember? USA! USA! USA! We felt up your sister in the garage that night – good times.

So, Ghana. We guess you done Ghana-way! (‘gone away’ – we know, it’s stupid).

So what’s this I read: you’re married AND you’ve got kids? Three of them? “Congratulations!” And, might we add, “Holy shit!” Could have sworn you were gay, or at least asexual. You weren’t interested in anything back then, except for Star Wars figures, Kappa shoes, and stealing large sums of money from the schools’ cafeteria, book store, and bake sales! You little shit!

And what’s this “41 years old” stuff? We thought you were our age, we mean, yeah, you could grow a beard when we were all 8 and 9, but, 41 years old? Yeah, sure, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say no more. We’ll just assume it’s for business reasons.

Speaking of, we have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Consignments? What, you been in Africa so long you forgot how to talk? Speak English, dude. At any rate, my brain melted after the 2nd paragraph, so, you know, what do you need money? You’ll just have to wait until we get our album out – unless . . . dude . .

What are the recording studios like in Ghana???? Can you hook us up? Cause if we can get this stuff produced on the cheap then we’ll be raking in buckets of money when it gets released. Los Angeles is hellified expensive. Get us to Ghana! You can write it off as a business thing dude, or, shit, we’ll play at your company picnic or something.

Dude, it’d be great to see you again, too. Seriously, check into it. Also, we heard that in some parts of Africa you can get a handjob and a sandwich for 10 bucks – is this true???

Alright, we’re outty, gotta rehearse. Write back when you can, and email some photos. Yeah, email some photos of your wife. Is she hot? How big’s her cock? Ha!

Later,

Fencing With Archers

Musical Reaction

We here at Fencing With Archers are an acoustic cover band, but from time to time, we are so inspired by a story we have to write about it. Here, is an original song about the first story posted on this blog.


42-Nothing"
by: Fencing with Archers

Intro, spoken-sung
(like priests do when they say-sing the 'body and blood' of Christ bit):

"And when the dust had settled, there remained only one"

Verse:
It was a long trip, I had nothing to eat
I could only rattle my cage, or look at my feet
But my feet
Are really paws.

The sea was rough, I tossed and turned
I got mad as hell and I was ready to burn
And pretty soon forty-two-lil-muthafucks
Got the claws!

Chorus:
I don't care that you're Cambodian
You don't care that I'm African
I don't care that you're human
Cause baby . . I'm a fucking lion.

Verse:
Forty-two of you, and only one of me
I think I see a way out and that's to kill-you-with-ease
I'm strong and fast, your short and dumb
And dead

You can't out-wit what you cannot see
And I'm on your back, sinking in my teeth
What part about 'fighting a lion'
did you not get?

Chorus:
I don't care that you're Cambodian
You don't care that I'm African
I don't care that you're human
Cause baby . . I'm a fucking lion.

Bridge:
But, oh, (Oh!) the atrocity
Such a fine indictment of humanity
I coulda been fucking a hot lion chick
But I was eating up on you

Chorus:
I don't care that you're Cambodian
You don't care that I'm African
I don't care that you're human
Cause baby . . I'm a fucking lion.


More posts coming later today.

Our First News Story

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight

Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the Cambodian Midgets Fighting League, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.

Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will "... take on anything; man, beast, or machine."

This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted.

An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum.

The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.

The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back.

Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”
Unfortunately, he was wrong.

WELCOME

Welcome to the official blog of Fencing With Archers! We are a super group/production company/soothsayers. This will be the spot for all things ridiculous, inspiring, and depressing. Stay tuned for shows, written material, and pictures.